Wednesday, January 4, 2012

What If…

Okay here we go again everybody went back to work and school and normal life is back. This means way too much time alone for this head to think about almost anything. In my other life when I was being productive to others I had a short but award-winning program about the Myers-Briggs personality inventory. I always started that program by telling the room there is no wrong personality type! Then I would give my fake thinking face and tell them there is only one wrong type. By the end of the program I revealed that type was a EN FP. I happen to have been a very strong EN FP and know what a pain we can be. I mean we love to dream and play the what-if game. It is almost impossible to get us to be quiet long enough to move on. We could play that game all day long if given the chance. Now It's been building in me since Thanksgiving before the last hospital trip and then continued right on through the holidays and today it comes spewing out.

The question of the day What If I've had my last… Thanksgiving. Since the only part of Thanksgiving I really like is the leftover food do I try to set that up again, or do I just deal with it. Have I watched my last Buffalo Bills game, and will just have to deal with that debacle they produced in New England Sunday. I watched my last Yankees game, and have to deal with that debacle forever. I have ate my last Dunkin' Donuts, or drank my last hot or iced coffee from there. I have ate my last stake, my last chimichanga from Dora's, Red Robin french fry, my last pancake, Girl Scout cookies, and if I sat here all day I'm sure I could fill this whole page with food after food after food that I may have done for last time. Before you stop reading and think that I weigh 500 pounds it's not just food that goes with this game. What if I have left Colorado for the last time. I think that may have been Labor Day two years ago to watch UNC Kansas football game. Made my last trip to Greely some people would say that's a good thing because of the Smell but Greely was something very special to me. Made my last trip to an Old Chicago's again most people would say big deal the beer is expensive and the food isn't that great. All true but it seems most of my memorable life moments took place in one. Have seen my mother-in-law for last time. We've had our problems and troubles over 12 years but it was just because we both love her daughter so much. And that means I've also had the world's best pumpkin pie for last time. I guess I could say the same thing about my sister, my monkey Emmie, and Jake. Before that group starts erupting I know they will be here in 10 days and I still plan on being here. I guess the what-if comes after that trip. I probably could go on and on and on about each of the people following this blog or that see it off of Facebook so I won't get into that contest of who did I forget and who got placed where. I'm sure I could sit here all day and go through the what if's is the last time game all day. We all know I have plenty of time and not much else to do. But it's always in the back of my head with almost everything I do.

Now the really big what if is the question my dad has been asking since day one. What if my body is just now screwing with me yet again. Nothing in the last 12 years has been normal. Nothing has reacted the way it should. No matter what medicine or treatment or nontreatment we threw at this beast he took it and bent it to the way he wanted to use it. What if he's just doing it again. Making things look and feel bad enough for us to think he's finally won, and start preparing for the end but he's not letting it go anywhere. What if this beast has found yet another way to make me and those close to me suffer for years to come. Not that I want to die as soon as possible but I don't know how long I could live with this kind of suffering. The mental strain on all of us is so much worse than the physical pain has been on me. So Dad as much as you want this to be a true what if I don't. At this point I guess I will continue on I keep thinking is this my last whatever after I do whatever or eat whatever. Pretty spooky way for my mind to wander, but at least it still wondering!


  1. I agree.. Greeley holds some special times for me as well:) And you get used to the smell.. I also agree.. One never really knows Gods Plan.. He could be testing you!

  2. You will never leave Old C's, remember the 'tour' and your name on the wall. You left your mark there just as you have on those of us who love you. We are all thankful for that!

  3. Matt, this is deep, and should cause all of us to ask this what we are doing now really important? Is it going to have any meaning 5 years from now? Memories are what we are going to have with us...Memories of Old Chicago, Harrison Hall, the Unversity Center, and Tim Tebow (whom I love)getting worked over by your Bills. I like this perspective of thinking, and it causes me to reflect on all my "busy-ness" and put priorities straight....which as ignorant humans, unfortunately, we will likely need to do frequently as we get bogged down with LIFE. I love you man, and am praying for you. Thanks for sharing this today. Sincerely, Dave Wilcox

  4. Just remember, Matt. Anyone of us could have had our last of everything and never even know it due to unforeseen events. With all of the horrible things you have had to deal with, you at least get the benefit of saying your final speech during the final act. The most important thing is not how much time you do get, but how you seize it, use, and are remembered for the impact you had in our lives. I am sorry for your suffering, but wish you peace and love. Enjoy your family!

    Cheers, Matt Cusack