Tuesday, January 10, 2012

I love you Jenn!

Okay before now I've just been using this site as a way to vent my frustrations and feelings. I'm sure that medical updates will be slow to come in and since we never know what or when is next. So I probably will keep blogging my thoughts and feelings on this site more than anything else.

Believe it or not I actually wanted to do something nice today. It's not just today but every day I love my wife for all the crud I put on her after life, work, and the kids have already got her. If I can keep her awake long enough she still gives me the special treatment that she knows I desire. Now you perverts need to get your head out of the gutter because I am not talking about that. She does make sure I am relaxed and comfortable before the lights go out. She makes sure I get down all these 20 pills I take a day. She makes sure all my devices are working the right way before she leaves. She does all the gross stuff that person in my condition needs help with. While I can get frustrated easily she is calming voice in my head. When lots of people would've left she stayed and we got stronger. I don't say it enough how much I love her. She is the best thing that's ever happened to me! These two songs I have put on this blog say it all much better than I could. I went looking for the Ray whatever his last name is song and found the Gladys song by accident. Please enjoy them both.


Gladys Knight - ♥♫ "You're the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me" 

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

What If…

Okay here we go again everybody went back to work and school and normal life is back. This means way too much time alone for this head to think about almost anything. In my other life when I was being productive to others I had a short but award-winning program about the Myers-Briggs personality inventory. I always started that program by telling the room there is no wrong personality type! Then I would give my fake thinking face and tell them there is only one wrong type. By the end of the program I revealed that type was a EN FP. I happen to have been a very strong EN FP and know what a pain we can be. I mean we love to dream and play the what-if game. It is almost impossible to get us to be quiet long enough to move on. We could play that game all day long if given the chance. Now It's been building in me since Thanksgiving before the last hospital trip and then continued right on through the holidays and today it comes spewing out.

The question of the day What If I've had my last… Thanksgiving. Since the only part of Thanksgiving I really like is the leftover food do I try to set that up again, or do I just deal with it. Have I watched my last Buffalo Bills game, and will just have to deal with that debacle they produced in New England Sunday. I watched my last Yankees game, and have to deal with that debacle forever. I have ate my last Dunkin' Donuts, or drank my last hot or iced coffee from there. I have ate my last stake, my last chimichanga from Dora's, Red Robin french fry, my last pancake, Girl Scout cookies, and if I sat here all day I'm sure I could fill this whole page with food after food after food that I may have done for last time. Before you stop reading and think that I weigh 500 pounds it's not just food that goes with this game. What if I have left Colorado for the last time. I think that may have been Labor Day two years ago to watch UNC Kansas football game. Made my last trip to Greely some people would say that's a good thing because of the Smell but Greely was something very special to me. Made my last trip to an Old Chicago's again most people would say big deal the beer is expensive and the food isn't that great. All true but it seems most of my memorable life moments took place in one. Have seen my mother-in-law for last time. We've had our problems and troubles over 12 years but it was just because we both love her daughter so much. And that means I've also had the world's best pumpkin pie for last time. I guess I could say the same thing about my sister, my monkey Emmie, and Jake. Before that group starts erupting I know they will be here in 10 days and I still plan on being here. I guess the what-if comes after that trip. I probably could go on and on and on about each of the people following this blog or that see it off of Facebook so I won't get into that contest of who did I forget and who got placed where. I'm sure I could sit here all day and go through the what if's is the last time game all day. We all know I have plenty of time and not much else to do. But it's always in the back of my head with almost everything I do.

Now the really big what if is the question my dad has been asking since day one. What if my body is just now screwing with me yet again. Nothing in the last 12 years has been normal. Nothing has reacted the way it should. No matter what medicine or treatment or nontreatment we threw at this beast he took it and bent it to the way he wanted to use it. What if he's just doing it again. Making things look and feel bad enough for us to think he's finally won, and start preparing for the end but he's not letting it go anywhere. What if this beast has found yet another way to make me and those close to me suffer for years to come. Not that I want to die as soon as possible but I don't know how long I could live with this kind of suffering. The mental strain on all of us is so much worse than the physical pain has been on me. So Dad as much as you want this to be a true what if I don't. At this point I guess I will continue on I keep thinking is this my last whatever after I do whatever or eat whatever. Pretty spooky way for my mind to wander, but at least it still wondering!

Monday, January 2, 2012

I Have Solved Our Religious Problems

Okay now this rant is going to begin with how much this Dragon voice recognition program hates me. I was probably halfway done with this post when it decided it heard something I didn't say and erased it all. Now I have to start all over again. As I sit here for many days just thinking I come up with many ideas. Most of these new ideas are not productive they are just fun to think about. After sending out my letter and starting this blog I've got a lot of religious responses. This may have led to something productive coming out of my thoughts. I know for some of you is the second time you've heard me rant about changing the face of religion. And I do still believe if Neumannism ever made it out of Big Bear Cabin Lake or wherever it was that Res Life sent us for three days of fun that they called training. Anyway as I start to ramble if Neumannism made it out of those cabins it might be a recognized religion by now! It didn't leave the cabin so it's just another great idea I had that got lost.

Now I have my second go at this religious thing. Those of you from the Neumannism days don't worry it does not involve Matt Neumann, Jimmy Buffett, the NFL, or the homemade I didn't realize I was making back then. This is actually a logical and rational thought coming from me. I guess the best way to say it is that we are all right. Everybody's person that they pray to is the right person for them. As I've hit this point of my life I've had to seriously start thinking about what's waiting on the other side. I now see the whole religious scheme as more of a Greek mythology structure. There is one decision maker out there who kind of acts like the Zeus type. All the other people that we pray to are on equal footing one step below. All the religions have their person represented on this line. Nobody is left out and nobody is favored, and I'm sure there's a person up there representing the people who don't necessarily believe in a particular faith but still have faith in something. When your time comes your person puts together your case file of your life. They also include a recommendation from their view. Were you faithful to your faith. Were you the best whatever you could be. What kind of person were you. This file is handed up and this Zeus person makes a educational, non-partial, rational, and logical decision on your future. It brings the bottom line back to you. How do you live your life and how do you play with others. I don't think there are only two choices for this person to make. Just as in life the afterlife has a lot of gray area as well. What we've done here in our actions, in our words, in our thoughts, and our hearts will decide what part of that gray that you fit in. Bottom line it doesn't matter if you're Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Mormon, a Scientologist, or anything else I'm sure I could keep going. The only thing that matters is how you live your life within your faith. Just something for you to think about!